Writing Through Weakness: How Lupus Taught Me Endurance

Two and a half years ago I was diagnosed with lupus. It was a shock, but also a relief. I had been having lots of unexplained symptoms: extreme fatigue, kidney infections, hair loss, and the skin on my feet and hands was cracked and bleeding every where. I wanted answers, but not necessarily the word “lupus” to be among them.

But, whether I wanted it or not, lupus was determined to become a permanent part of my life story. And in a very weird way, I am grateful for that. This is not going to be one of those, “I-got-sick-and-learned-the-importance-of-making-each-day-count” stories, although, I have to admit, I am a sucker for those types of stories (and those videos of babies being able to hear or see for the first time thanks to medical advancements!). But, I digress.

No. This is simply real life: lupus forced me slow down. That’s all. I can’t keep up the way I used to, or the way I want to. I realize motherhood is not for everyone, but it is for me. I love being a mom. And I wanted so badly to be a Pinterest-perfect mom (you can find out here that this was never in the cards for me!). Hosting a birthday party for my kids leaves me worn out for the entire week after. Holidays require extra planning, and lots of saying “no” to things that I want to do.

But, in slowing down I have also found a lot of beauty and resilience in myself. Having lupus made me slow down enough that I had time to write my novel, something I had never done before. If I had the energy to be out there Pinterest-ing it up (it’s a verb now), I most likely never would have written Threadkeepers (although I probably would have made some pretty rockin’ costumes for my kids for Halloween).

And, (I know I promised, but I guess I lied, sorry. Kind of) it did make me realize that life is far more fleeting than I realized. Sadly, there are many people who die from lupus. It could very well be the thing that does me in (I sound like Eliza Doolittle). And because of that, I knew that I wanted to at least try to achieve some of my dreams. All my life I have dreamt of walking into a bookstore, picking up a book, and reading my name on the cover. I tried to achieve that goal the easy way, but apparently it’s not “appropriate” to write on other people’s books with Sharpie. Who knew?

So, now I’m trying to achieve this goal the hard way. And if having lupus has taught me anything at all, it’s how to wait patiently. Kind of.